New Beginnings

Well, we're firmly into the new year now, along with everybody else. I write the date about a hundred times a day at work in my charting, so I have gotten pretty good at remembering it is 2010 now. I think a lot in terms of where I was last year at this time--stoned on meds, having pain, waiting for surgery, subduing anxiety any way I could think of, and sleeping a lot. What a difference a year makes.

This weekend I am going to be on a scrapbooking retreat with some women I know and whose company I enjoy a lot. I'm planning to work on my TN book. The process of capturing those numerous months through the course of dealing with that will be a good creative exercise for me and the effort of making a personal scrapbook about the experience is a way to reflect on and acknowledge it but also to put it to bed, so to speak.

I had a realization last week when I met with my new doctor for my first visit with him. He was actually the chief resident when I was hospitalized for TN pain in April 2008, and he remembered me from that. As he was going through his interview, he, of course, acknowledged my weight (also known facetiously as my "new personal best") and asked what I wanted to do about that. I was honest and said that I am not happy that I am this heavy but I really don't want to do anything about it. Then I told him that with the whole TN situation being resolved, I have for several months sort of thought I had a pass on other potential health problems. You know, I already had a really horrendous illness and recovered, so that should be it! Silly girl! I think I came to the alarming realization that there is no such thing as safety from bad stuff happening again, and now I just have to live with that.

And take some action on my weight issue.

Advent-ure in the Busy Season

These fun little Nutter Butter Santa cookies represent the extent of my Christmas baking, and that's really okay. The tree went up over the course of a few days, thanks to Laura who assembled it earlier this week and then another day after school dragged out the boxes with decorations in. The lights went on Friday night, the ornaments yesterday. I enjoyed looking at every ornament this year, remembering who they came from or which of the girls had made them. No presents are wrapped yet. In fact, I am not even sure if I have all the gifts I need to have by Christmas. Cards are not ready. Liz is drawing our card this year--in case you don't get one, it's a picture of a fairy (or an elf?) sitting on the ledge of a rectangular box and it says "Merry Christmas." Have not taken a photo of the kids or of the family to send out with the cards, so that might not happen. Also I have not written a Christmas letter like usual.

It's not at all that I don't want to do these things. The difference is that this year I have done some things in the Advent Season that in the past I did not take enough time for. Laura and I went to the Madrigal Dinner on Dec. 5 in which the Senior High commons was transformed into a castle and we were there for the feast. We, of course, had a band concert for Liz and a choir concert for Laura. The other night we went to see a performance of "White Christmas," which was so well done and inspiring. We also adopted a little girl who needed presents under her tree, had a Secret Santa event at the hospice office, and went to a church potluck today and sat with people we didn't know but now do. Tomorrow Liz and I are helping with the Confirmation project of adopting a family who is having a hard time this season, shopping for and wrapping gifts to give them from the proceeds of one single bake sale held a couple weeks ago.

The rest of it will all fall into place. We'll see wrapped presents under our tree on Christmas morning, news and wishes of the season will go into the mailboxes of friends and families (maybe extending the season a little beyond the Dec 25 date). We will travel to southern Wi and spend time with our families and will rejuvenate our relationships and our connections with them in a whirlwind of Christmas spirit. There's a lot to appreciate about the season of Advent, and this feels way better to me than it has in the past...

Lame Blogging Accusation

This week a person who knows me very well and can hassle me about such things if she wants to told me I am a lame blogger! The fact that she, and maybe others, actually checks my blog from time to time is humbling to me. I have been aware for many months now that I am not keeping up my end of the bargain here--I got well, my life returned in its old familiar form, and I just QUIT writing! Then today my daughter Liz went to a writer's workshop where an author spoke to the students and basically said that if you want to be a writer, then you have to sit your butt down in the chair and WRITE. Actually, I guess he used a more colorful word to express that sittable part of the anatomy, and that did impress the teenaged audience. And it impressed me too, because although I quite often THINK about writing on my blog, I am actually an incredibly lame blogger.

The name of the blog still fits, too. I am actually Beyond the Pillbox. I still use a daily one just to remember to take my allergy pill and my vitamins and stuff, but I don't carry it around with me, and it has one opening per day, unlike that industrial strength one I used during what I now refer to as my "lost year" or my "black period." Recently I had lunch with my friend Sarah and she suddenly said something about it being 1 o' clock, and then quickly, "Oh yeah, you don;t have ot take medicine at 1 pm anymore!" Life after Trigeminal Neuralgia is really just full of normal experiences which don't always impress me as being that interesting to other people. It continues to amaze me that I can reflect back to a certain place in time not so long ago when life was really small and painful for me. I cannot impress upon you how happy and content I am that it is not like that anymore. Liz just reminded me that she achieved the 9 month mark for her driver's license, so all her restrictions are off and she can drive as many people as she wants to. That's a big deal when you are 16. Her milestone reminded me that I am now less than a week away from my own 9 month anniversary of my MVD surgery...how time flies when you're living a normal life.

And that's something to blog about.

"There's a HORSE in our yard!"

As a little girl I really liked a certain horse show on TV. I think it was called Fury or something like that. It was in black and white and I remember it being on early in the mornings before school. I have never been horseback riding, only knew one family that had horses (the Murrays had a horse named Ginger, I think), and in fact was a little intimidated by them (and still am to be honest). But I loved that show. Anyway, even though I am not a horse person, I found it entertaining and fun a couple mornings ago to be awakened early by the dog barking and howling only to find that this commotion was due to a visiting horse in our yard!

This horse was visiting just because she could, I suppose. Her electric fence was off and she took full advantage by stepping out of her enclosure, wandering away from home and coming to our place. She relieved herself in the front yard, took a hunk out of a pretty new seedum that I planted this year, ate some phlox and tried to make friends with us. Liz found her owner and in the process we met our neighbor from about 1/2 mile away, and Laura offered her babysitting services for her 9 year old daughter.

So, now we can add to the list of unusual sightings we've had in our yard over the years---turkeys, deer, bear, neighbor's giant pet rabbit, dogs, porcupine and... horse. Living in the country always provides something new to appreciate.

Randomness

Almost every day now I think I should write on my blog. Once in a while I actually intend to do that, but I have not followed through until now. I wonder, what interesting things do I have to say that anyone would care about? Life is becoming normal again, which means that it's good but also that it's busy and time is passing quickly and there is a lot to be done every single day. So, taking time for writing feels like something "extra" and that means I leave a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head on a regular basis...

Being back at work is a good thing. Hospice work continues to offer a mix of ways to be helpful to patients and families as well as to my coworkers and the agency in general. There is a big gaping hole there, though because my friend Staci has moved away now and she was always a constant bright spot in the day for me before. She is still a bright spot, of course, but now it is through the voice mail messages, emails and occasional texts she sends me. I just miss her, I guess.

The summer has been off to a nice start for the kids. Each of them had a nice enriching opportunity already--Liz went to the Wisconsin Leadership Seminar at Carroll University for a weekend and Laura had a week at Adventure Camp. Both of them came back with new insights and some big self-esteem boosts (not that either of them is lacking in that area thankfully). Liz is working part time at the Friendship Farm CSA and looking for another part time job as well. She has a gas tank to fill now! The old/new car has been very helpful already in relieving me of transportation duties in and after my work days, and she has definitely not gone way overboard on the social access it now gives her! Maybe that is still to come, but it seems we are a family of homebodies, and both girls like their downtime at home.

My flower beds are all healthy and flourishing and not needing a lot of attention, which is good because once they are weeded and mulched I like to just enjoy them and not work in them very hard. I did a little bit of dividing and filling in some blank spots earlier this summer and it all looks good. I had an idea of starting a new bed underneath the gigantic pine tree in the front yard along the driveway, but I think I have opted not to work that hard this summer. The pots are thriving too and I think we are actually going to get a few tomatoes from the plant Laura started from seed during the school year.

My inaugural bike ride last night included a rain shower, so I am hoping not to do that again. I just found out today about two trails nearby--one at the Mead Wildlife area and the other at the McMillan Marsh, and I really want to check those out this summer.

I am reading a Maeve Binchy book right now, called Heart and Soul. I got turned onto Maeve in my 20's with Light a Penny Candle, and I still love the way she weaves a story. Usually all the characters in her books end up being acquainted with one another in some way as all the loose ends get tied up. Plus, her books are always set in Ireland, and then I get to travel vicariously.

My book club (oh how I love it) has a daunting task ahead of us with the choice of the Doris Kearns-Goodwin biography of Lincoln, and I really want to read it but have not been able to make the commitment quite yet. I did read and thoroughly enjoy Prodigal Summer, by Barbara Kingsolver and Coop by my favorite Wisconsin author/chicken farmer/volunteer firefighter, Michael Perry. I want to read Jane Hamilton's new book, too, and if I like it I may just send her another note in care of the Rochester, WI Postmaster. She wrote back to me years ago after I wrote a "fan letter" and now her writing has faded away because apparently the ink was not permanent.

When Laura was at camp, Liz and I watched a ton of movies, the best ones being The Visitor (about a man who comes to his seldom used NYC apartment and finds someone living there) and Changeling, which was just sad and frustrating. I also saw Doubt a while ago and thought it was brilliant. And in an effort to introduce Liz to a movie that made quite an impression on me as a young teenage babysitter with the late night movie on a black and white TV while waiting for kids' parents to get home, I rented The Beguiled, with Clint Eastwood and Geraldine Page. It's all about the mushrooms. That's all I am going to say, Mistah Mc Bee.

Outcomes

I could not have asked for a better outcome. I am almost 3 months out from my surgery now and I have my life back--whole and intact. Last week I was offered and accepted my full time hospice job again. My re-orientation and transition back to work has gone well, and it's gratifying to be welcomed back by my coworkers and the voices (those on the phone of people I have only "met" that way). My memory is good, I have energy, I don't need naps, and I have no pain. It's a

blessing every single day to fully realize how fortunate I am. There were so many times during the past year when I sat with unknowns and wondered what would happen. Now, it seems like I gained much more than I lost during that time...a change of perspective and ability to see that it was just a trying period of time that passed, as all difficult things do eventually.

Yesterday I talked to the very, very nice Erin at Dr. Kopell's office when I needed to change my follow up appointment. It was great to hear her voice again. She was happy to know how well I am doing now, and it just reinforced again how, for so many reasons, I went to the right place for my care. Seems like a small thing, really, but sometimes all you have is that voice on the phone. Now that I am working again, I get to be that voice on the phone for people, and I hope I am providing people with that solid, reassuring feeling that I got from Erin.

I've been enjoying the gardens at home every day after work and am so pleased with how things are growing. Last summer during my haze, I dug up and planted an area near our main door that I called my "greeting garden." The first year you never really know for sure how it's going to turn out since you are sticking things in here and there and cannot be certain how they'll do. But this spring everything is up, identifiable and thriving. Fitting--seems like a good parallel to how things are going for me, too.

impatiently waiting

Every day I go out a couple times for a walk around the yard, inspecting the perennial beds for signs of growth. A lot has been happening, but it has not been consistently warm here yet, so it seems painstaking to me at times.   I know I am not alone when I saw I just want spring to come and stay!