New Beginnings

Well, we're firmly into the new year now, along with everybody else. I write the date about a hundred times a day at work in my charting, so I have gotten pretty good at remembering it is 2010 now. I think a lot in terms of where I was last year at this time--stoned on meds, having pain, waiting for surgery, subduing anxiety any way I could think of, and sleeping a lot. What a difference a year makes.

This weekend I am going to be on a scrapbooking retreat with some women I know and whose company I enjoy a lot. I'm planning to work on my TN book. The process of capturing those numerous months through the course of dealing with that will be a good creative exercise for me and the effort of making a personal scrapbook about the experience is a way to reflect on and acknowledge it but also to put it to bed, so to speak.

I had a realization last week when I met with my new doctor for my first visit with him. He was actually the chief resident when I was hospitalized for TN pain in April 2008, and he remembered me from that. As he was going through his interview, he, of course, acknowledged my weight (also known facetiously as my "new personal best") and asked what I wanted to do about that. I was honest and said that I am not happy that I am this heavy but I really don't want to do anything about it. Then I told him that with the whole TN situation being resolved, I have for several months sort of thought I had a pass on other potential health problems. You know, I already had a really horrendous illness and recovered, so that should be it! Silly girl! I think I came to the alarming realization that there is no such thing as safety from bad stuff happening again, and now I just have to live with that.

And take some action on my weight issue.

Advent-ure in the Busy Season

These fun little Nutter Butter Santa cookies represent the extent of my Christmas baking, and that's really okay. The tree went up over the course of a few days, thanks to Laura who assembled it earlier this week and then another day after school dragged out the boxes with decorations in. The lights went on Friday night, the ornaments yesterday. I enjoyed looking at every ornament this year, remembering who they came from or which of the girls had made them. No presents are wrapped yet. In fact, I am not even sure if I have all the gifts I need to have by Christmas. Cards are not ready. Liz is drawing our card this year--in case you don't get one, it's a picture of a fairy (or an elf?) sitting on the ledge of a rectangular box and it says "Merry Christmas." Have not taken a photo of the kids or of the family to send out with the cards, so that might not happen. Also I have not written a Christmas letter like usual.

It's not at all that I don't want to do these things. The difference is that this year I have done some things in the Advent Season that in the past I did not take enough time for. Laura and I went to the Madrigal Dinner on Dec. 5 in which the Senior High commons was transformed into a castle and we were there for the feast. We, of course, had a band concert for Liz and a choir concert for Laura. The other night we went to see a performance of "White Christmas," which was so well done and inspiring. We also adopted a little girl who needed presents under her tree, had a Secret Santa event at the hospice office, and went to a church potluck today and sat with people we didn't know but now do. Tomorrow Liz and I are helping with the Confirmation project of adopting a family who is having a hard time this season, shopping for and wrapping gifts to give them from the proceeds of one single bake sale held a couple weeks ago.

The rest of it will all fall into place. We'll see wrapped presents under our tree on Christmas morning, news and wishes of the season will go into the mailboxes of friends and families (maybe extending the season a little beyond the Dec 25 date). We will travel to southern Wi and spend time with our families and will rejuvenate our relationships and our connections with them in a whirlwind of Christmas spirit. There's a lot to appreciate about the season of Advent, and this feels way better to me than it has in the past...

Lame Blogging Accusation

This week a person who knows me very well and can hassle me about such things if she wants to told me I am a lame blogger! The fact that she, and maybe others, actually checks my blog from time to time is humbling to me. I have been aware for many months now that I am not keeping up my end of the bargain here--I got well, my life returned in its old familiar form, and I just QUIT writing! Then today my daughter Liz went to a writer's workshop where an author spoke to the students and basically said that if you want to be a writer, then you have to sit your butt down in the chair and WRITE. Actually, I guess he used a more colorful word to express that sittable part of the anatomy, and that did impress the teenaged audience. And it impressed me too, because although I quite often THINK about writing on my blog, I am actually an incredibly lame blogger.

The name of the blog still fits, too. I am actually Beyond the Pillbox. I still use a daily one just to remember to take my allergy pill and my vitamins and stuff, but I don't carry it around with me, and it has one opening per day, unlike that industrial strength one I used during what I now refer to as my "lost year" or my "black period." Recently I had lunch with my friend Sarah and she suddenly said something about it being 1 o' clock, and then quickly, "Oh yeah, you don;t have ot take medicine at 1 pm anymore!" Life after Trigeminal Neuralgia is really just full of normal experiences which don't always impress me as being that interesting to other people. It continues to amaze me that I can reflect back to a certain place in time not so long ago when life was really small and painful for me. I cannot impress upon you how happy and content I am that it is not like that anymore. Liz just reminded me that she achieved the 9 month mark for her driver's license, so all her restrictions are off and she can drive as many people as she wants to. That's a big deal when you are 16. Her milestone reminded me that I am now less than a week away from my own 9 month anniversary of my MVD surgery...how time flies when you're living a normal life.

And that's something to blog about.

"There's a HORSE in our yard!"

As a little girl I really liked a certain horse show on TV. I think it was called Fury or something like that. It was in black and white and I remember it being on early in the mornings before school. I have never been horseback riding, only knew one family that had horses (the Murrays had a horse named Ginger, I think), and in fact was a little intimidated by them (and still am to be honest). But I loved that show. Anyway, even though I am not a horse person, I found it entertaining and fun a couple mornings ago to be awakened early by the dog barking and howling only to find that this commotion was due to a visiting horse in our yard!

This horse was visiting just because she could, I suppose. Her electric fence was off and she took full advantage by stepping out of her enclosure, wandering away from home and coming to our place. She relieved herself in the front yard, took a hunk out of a pretty new seedum that I planted this year, ate some phlox and tried to make friends with us. Liz found her owner and in the process we met our neighbor from about 1/2 mile away, and Laura offered her babysitting services for her 9 year old daughter.

So, now we can add to the list of unusual sightings we've had in our yard over the years---turkeys, deer, bear, neighbor's giant pet rabbit, dogs, porcupine and... horse. Living in the country always provides something new to appreciate.

Randomness

Almost every day now I think I should write on my blog. Once in a while I actually intend to do that, but I have not followed through until now. I wonder, what interesting things do I have to say that anyone would care about? Life is becoming normal again, which means that it's good but also that it's busy and time is passing quickly and there is a lot to be done every single day. So, taking time for writing feels like something "extra" and that means I leave a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head on a regular basis...

Being back at work is a good thing. Hospice work continues to offer a mix of ways to be helpful to patients and families as well as to my coworkers and the agency in general. There is a big gaping hole there, though because my friend Staci has moved away now and she was always a constant bright spot in the day for me before. She is still a bright spot, of course, but now it is through the voice mail messages, emails and occasional texts she sends me. I just miss her, I guess.

The summer has been off to a nice start for the kids. Each of them had a nice enriching opportunity already--Liz went to the Wisconsin Leadership Seminar at Carroll University for a weekend and Laura had a week at Adventure Camp. Both of them came back with new insights and some big self-esteem boosts (not that either of them is lacking in that area thankfully). Liz is working part time at the Friendship Farm CSA and looking for another part time job as well. She has a gas tank to fill now! The old/new car has been very helpful already in relieving me of transportation duties in and after my work days, and she has definitely not gone way overboard on the social access it now gives her! Maybe that is still to come, but it seems we are a family of homebodies, and both girls like their downtime at home.

My flower beds are all healthy and flourishing and not needing a lot of attention, which is good because once they are weeded and mulched I like to just enjoy them and not work in them very hard. I did a little bit of dividing and filling in some blank spots earlier this summer and it all looks good. I had an idea of starting a new bed underneath the gigantic pine tree in the front yard along the driveway, but I think I have opted not to work that hard this summer. The pots are thriving too and I think we are actually going to get a few tomatoes from the plant Laura started from seed during the school year.

My inaugural bike ride last night included a rain shower, so I am hoping not to do that again. I just found out today about two trails nearby--one at the Mead Wildlife area and the other at the McMillan Marsh, and I really want to check those out this summer.

I am reading a Maeve Binchy book right now, called Heart and Soul. I got turned onto Maeve in my 20's with Light a Penny Candle, and I still love the way she weaves a story. Usually all the characters in her books end up being acquainted with one another in some way as all the loose ends get tied up. Plus, her books are always set in Ireland, and then I get to travel vicariously.

My book club (oh how I love it) has a daunting task ahead of us with the choice of the Doris Kearns-Goodwin biography of Lincoln, and I really want to read it but have not been able to make the commitment quite yet. I did read and thoroughly enjoy Prodigal Summer, by Barbara Kingsolver and Coop by my favorite Wisconsin author/chicken farmer/volunteer firefighter, Michael Perry. I want to read Jane Hamilton's new book, too, and if I like it I may just send her another note in care of the Rochester, WI Postmaster. She wrote back to me years ago after I wrote a "fan letter" and now her writing has faded away because apparently the ink was not permanent.

When Laura was at camp, Liz and I watched a ton of movies, the best ones being The Visitor (about a man who comes to his seldom used NYC apartment and finds someone living there) and Changeling, which was just sad and frustrating. I also saw Doubt a while ago and thought it was brilliant. And in an effort to introduce Liz to a movie that made quite an impression on me as a young teenage babysitter with the late night movie on a black and white TV while waiting for kids' parents to get home, I rented The Beguiled, with Clint Eastwood and Geraldine Page. It's all about the mushrooms. That's all I am going to say, Mistah Mc Bee.

Outcomes

I could not have asked for a better outcome. I am almost 3 months out from my surgery now and I have my life back--whole and intact. Last week I was offered and accepted my full time hospice job again. My re-orientation and transition back to work has gone well, and it's gratifying to be welcomed back by my coworkers and the voices (those on the phone of people I have only "met" that way). My memory is good, I have energy, I don't need naps, and I have no pain. It's a

blessing every single day to fully realize how fortunate I am. There were so many times during the past year when I sat with unknowns and wondered what would happen. Now, it seems like I gained much more than I lost during that time...a change of perspective and ability to see that it was just a trying period of time that passed, as all difficult things do eventually.

Yesterday I talked to the very, very nice Erin at Dr. Kopell's office when I needed to change my follow up appointment. It was great to hear her voice again. She was happy to know how well I am doing now, and it just reinforced again how, for so many reasons, I went to the right place for my care. Seems like a small thing, really, but sometimes all you have is that voice on the phone. Now that I am working again, I get to be that voice on the phone for people, and I hope I am providing people with that solid, reassuring feeling that I got from Erin.

I've been enjoying the gardens at home every day after work and am so pleased with how things are growing. Last summer during my haze, I dug up and planted an area near our main door that I called my "greeting garden." The first year you never really know for sure how it's going to turn out since you are sticking things in here and there and cannot be certain how they'll do. But this spring everything is up, identifiable and thriving. Fitting--seems like a good parallel to how things are going for me, too.

impatiently waiting

Every day I go out a couple times for a walk around the yard, inspecting the perennial beds for signs of growth. A lot has been happening, but it has not been consistently warm here yet, so it seems painstaking to me at times.   I know I am not alone when I saw I just want spring to come and stay!

Developments

About 15 years ago I bought a sleeper sofa from a furniture store that was going out of business in Beaver Dam.   That couch has now seen better days, but is still sturdy and exactly the couch I want.    This week I decided to finally follow through on my plan to get it reupholstered.  The queen sized sleeper is going to be removed and there will be some kind of insert put in its place, which will make it easier to move.  In this picture I am holding the fabric samples for the couch itself and the pillows.  That fabric in front makes me unbelievably happy--big round flowers and pretty tans, oranges and cream colors.   So I paid 1/2 down and am on the work list, waiting our turn and expecting to have it done sometime mid-summer.    This process was so much fun and stress free compared to the job of couch shopping and paying out pots of money for something that's probably not made as well as the couch that already fits us!

Liz went to prom last night although you would not know that by the pictures on our camera.   She had it with her, with the promise of taking at least 10 photos of her and her friends as they got ready, etc.  (I was told not to go to prom since next year it will be her Junior Prom and a bigger deal).  When she came home there were 4-5 pictures of couples dancing and I really only saw one girl's dress full length.  And not one single picture of Liz!!  Grrrrr. 

Yesterday Sarah and I scrapbooked all day and I finished the 2007 family album called "Random Acts of Meind-ness."   Last year with the TN going on I did not scrapbook very much so I got behind and less organized on things like that, so I have a great feeling of satisfaction to have completed this book.  Sarah gave me some great 6x6 paper and her companionship all day,  so it was a gift all the way around.

We adopted two cute bunnies this weekend.  Someone from Jeff's mom's work needed to find homes for them because of an upcoming out of state move.  They are little lop eared bunnies with very calm and sweet dispositions, and they are adjusting well to their new rabbity life under the pines in our backyard.

The best news is that I am going back to work this week.  There are some details to work out first, but I am heading back to hospice to do the same job I was doing before all of this disability happened...I feel like I have almost come full circle.

 

Lima Beans and Other Random Thoughts

This picture was taken around the same time that this quote was recently heard in our kitchen: "I shouldn't have to be subjected to lima beans in my own home!" That's Elizabeth, picking out each and every one before she cooks her frozen vegetables. Truth is, none of us really like lima beans, but no one else has the inclination to go to such great lengths to avoid them. She always has been a determined girl.

I am almost done with the medication reduction, or detox, as I like to think of it. My clarity has returned. My pain has not. I cannot even say how happy that makes me.

Now I am "released" to return to work without restrictions as of May 1. In the formal way things must be done, I am planning to apply for an available position at hospice but am waiting for it to be officially posted. Because I'm still "with the company" as a casual employee, I have some advantage over a brand new applicant off the street. They know me, they know my skills and what I have to offer. I like to think they also like me and want me back, but in talking to HR kinds of people, things sound so much more official and non-relational. Patience is generally a strong suit of mine, and certainly this past year or so has taught me even more of it, but I am feeling ready to re-enter my work world and I hope this process moves along.

With my renewed mental faculties, I can read again for long periods of time. That has been a joy to me. I have been reading Three Cups of Tea, which I find really interesting. It's non-fiction, about a mountain climber who failed an attempt at K2 and instead found a community in Pakistan that needed a school for its children. I love the descriptions of the cultural differences and feel like I'm doing some vicarious travelling. Yesterday I read Water for Elephants, which is a book group choice, and I was so amazed that I liked it. Loved it, really. I knew it was about a circus, and I expected to hate it for that reason. I don't really like circuses. I did enjoy going to Circus World in Baraboo and seeing their show and all of the historical buildings and museum things, but when the circus comes to town, I avoid it. Why? Because I feel bad for the animals. So even though this book certainly contained some situations that made me feel the same way, the characters were so well defined and so interesting to me. I could not put it down. And lucky for me, tonight is book group and I will discuss it with my book women.

I just found out that the principal at the girls' school has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Prayers are being asked for, and I extend that request here too. The school did not release a lot of information but the kids have all been informed, and now it's just time to ask for healing and I am especially concerned that she have comfort with the fear she might be feeling.

Finding Normal Again

This is the time of year that Chance blends into the scenery, and I love that. It adds more interest to a walk with him because when he goes off into a ditch or a field, I have to look harder to find him even if he's only a few yards away. It's appropriate, too that a year ago at this time I was in pretty bad shape and I had to look hard to find hope in that situation of pain and fear of the unknown with trigeminal neuralgia. Now, I am moving forward in a really positive direction--coming off of medications, feeling the return of normal energy, having my mind work better, and looking forward to just living every day.

I am actually reluctant to talk about the progress of the med reduction because so far I have had no TN pain whatsoever. I still feel like there's some chance it could be there, underneath the medication I still have on board, and I don't want to get too confident! Still, there's no reason to expect pain---Dr.Kopell did everything to correct the problem. Every single day think about how amazing that is.

Taking the Time

When the kids were younger and more prone to complaining about going to church, I reminded them that God is only asking for one hour. Putting it into that kind of perspective made it seem more reasonable to them and certainly provided less fodder for fussing about it. Holy Week is also spring break this year, and yes, we are in church a lot. And they are NOT complaining! I think they are appreciating their faith and the opportunities to worship, which are special just because they are normal for us.

As I have started feeling better and looking forward to having a regular life again, I have noticed how much less time I am spending on my own to just be quiet, centered, prayerful. I have been feeling bad about it. When I needed so much every day to deal with the pain strikes and the difficult changes in life and the worry and anxiety and then the surgery issues, my connection to God was front and center. I reached out continually and recognized the many gifts I was being given, even in the heat of the moment (there's nothing like relief of pain even for a small period of time to incite a heartfelt and meaningful thank you). I know the connection is not gone. I am just feeling like I have to maintain a finer awareness now, to be purposeful about it since it looks like life is taking a turn back toward normalcy, and unfortunately that's got a flip side which consumes time unless I have a definite faith practice built in.

Does that make sense to anyone besides me?

Felt GoodToday

Today marks 4 weeks since surgery, and I feel good. In fact, I think it's the best I have felt since then. Still dealing with numbness but no TN pain at all. Last week my neurologist reduced my meds significantly and there are no bad effects from that at all. I like this.

Good News

I am feeling so happy today. I saw my neurologist this morning and the dilantin and the neurontin are going away immediately. I only have to take the carbatrol now and if there are no schocks during the next two weeks, it will be tapered down to (hopefully) nothing. He did say that sometimes the trigeminal nerve is still sensitive just from the surgery, causing shocking to still happen, which would mean that a person could have to stay on the carbatrol longer. But he was pretty optimistic and that's how I am feeling too.

He did some basic neuro checks in the office, and it is evident that I have lost some hearing on the left (I suspected as much since I can't hear the TV as well as I could before) and the sensation in various parts of the left side of my face and head are reduced. This is all related to having those nerves manipulated during the surgery and hopefully it will all get better as they heal over time. If not, I guess I'd say right now that it's a small price to pay for being rid of electric shock facial pain.

Today my simple goal is to remain awake all day. No naps (or sheer crashing into sleep...), so I need to get up and move around because I can feel the fatigue coming on now...

The Sun is Out Again

After several gloomy, dark days here, we are again seeing the sun, and that is so nice. It's not exactly warm yet, but still my mom and I are bundling up a bit for a walk with the dog every day. I have picked out a birch tree to photograph each time, which is my designated "spring tree." Over the course of how ever many days we'll watch it bud and leaf out and that will officially seal the deal that spring has arrived. So far, not much has happened.

It is hard for me to know how I should be feeling after brain surgery. I am getting some energy back, but it's not an all day thing. Mornings are especially tough. I have a hard time waking early and staying awake. Today I was up by 8:30, but napping at 11am after doing the normal morning things. Falling asleep at night has been a challenge because my head hurts and it's hard to get comfortable. The incision does not hurt to touch, but the area around it is really tender and the top part of my shaved scalp area is so sensitive, especially at night. There are times any time of day that I get these burning feelings in that part of my head--and I wonder if that is just the nerve endings coming back to life (that part of my scalp has been pretty numb since surgery).

Other after-effects of surgery have been numbness (hard palate and upper gum, left side) and hearing disturbance on the left. I may have lost a smidge of hearing, but the main issue is a sense of being congested or like I have fluid in my ear. It's like an echo chamber when I talk sometimes. At my appointment to have my stitches out, I learned that nerves take 3-6 months to heal, so I have to be patient and hope these things improve. But still--I am having no shocks and that is still such a relief.

The plan for next week is to see my neurologist for the start of the weaning process from the anti-seizure medications. I'm envisioning the day I can throw away my pill box!

March Madness

It's been all about basketball here--namely the high school boys basketball tournament this weekend and the girls tourney last weekend. I never knew how much my mom likes watching basketball. Maybe that's where I get it from? I love the game, watching the amazing plays and great three point shots, of course, but I also really love the drama. I am intrigued by the coaches and their demeanor and behavior, and I really love watching the players and how they react when they foul someone or when they get fouled. It's amazing to see how some of them get really beat up during the game (like Liz did) but keep on playing. Yesterday there was a kid with a disjointed finger, chipped tooth, and two bleeding scratches still playing until the end. It's not that I like brutality; if so I'd watch boxing. I am just impressed with how much a player goes through to succeed in getting the ball into the basket. In the very late part of the 4th quarter, the bench players substitute into the game, particularly the seniors (so they have a chance to play on the college court before their high school career is over) Also it's the end of the game that I am so interested in---when the inevitable happens---somebody wins and somebody loses. Those tears on the sideline are true emotion.

As far as healing goes, my incision is looking pretty good, and the stitches come out tomorrow in Milwaukee. The bottom inch or so of the incision is thicker and irritating to me, os we'll check on that tomorrow. No signs of infection, no worries at all. I have taken three outings this week--one to get my hair cut, one to a little shop near home, and last night to see "Grease" at a school nearby. Last night's outing was probably a bit much as far as energy and comfort go, but the performance was great and the whole family and Beth enjoyed it a lot. This morning I went to Mass and it went okay, except I never realized how much effort it takes to stand and sit and kneel in an hour...

Sometimes I feel like I'm being kind of a wuss, but then someone reminds me that it was two weeks ago that I had brain surgery and then it seems to make sense again.

Sunday Reflections

The pleasure of a shower should never be underestimated. Today the energy and coordination for a shower (not one that included getting my head wet, though) was present, so I took advantage of it. Now I'm exhausted. Clean, but exhausted nonetheless.

This post will be kind of like one of my favorite kids' books, There's a Monster at the End of This Book, where Grover warns us right from the start about the harrowing end of the book. He tries all different creative ways to prevent the readers from getting to the conclusion, but the comparison really ends there. I'm only going to issue a warning---there is an incision at the end the end of this post!!

This warning is here to keep some of you from looking at something that could gross you out and to titillate my medical friends.

Here on Patton Drive we have had some nice visits, some cards in the mail, a flower delivery, and great food. I am getting everything I need, and my mom and family are being well cared for too. This is my third full day at home. It is so much more comfortable than at the hospital.

Okay--here's the lowdown on the surgery.

The day before, we left toward Milwaukee in a snowstorm ("winter storm warning") and that made for a long, long trip. We saw so many cars in the ditch, lots of rescue vehicles and tow trucks. It was fine for us, just really plodding. When we got to Kim's house that night, we just settle in, talked a while, chatted with the pooches and Milo the cat, and then watched a disgusting but funny movie which took my mind off everything. Slept well for about 5 hours and got up at 4 am to get ready...

Remember there is an incision at the end of this post!!

At the start of the day it was all about prep---paperwork, health info review, orientation to how it's all going to work, etc. Then I went off the the "holding area" and met a very nice nurse who talked with me a lot until the anesthesiologist and a resident came to get my IV going. This nurse would also be my recovery nurse and she stayed with me until I went to ICU. I was feeling really calm during this period. My friend Scott had suggested a simple breathing prayer to say/do if I was dealing with anxiety at all (breath slowly in with "Lord Have Mercy" and slowly out with "Christ Have Mercy" and repeat). Each time I did it I was really calmed--before and after the surgery.

I remember nothing else at all about being taken to surgery. Cannot remember being in the OR at all.

Surgery started at 7:30 am and at 10:15 Dr. Kopell came to talk to Jeff and Mom & Buster. He found a vein pressing on the trigeminal nerve and an artery very nearby, which explains my TN pain! He put in the Teflon cushion pieces and all went well. I woke up around 2pm and saw my family and the doctor but I don't recall much about that now. I woke up again around 6pm and was taken to ICU at that point. THAT was a rough night. I was really sick and had several sessions with the emesis basin, which hurt so much and was upsetting to me because Dr. Kopell gave the nurse really strict instructions while he was standing next to me -- "I don't want her retching. No retching!" They did give me good medication for it but usually after it had already happened...I am so glad that part is over. The next morning I was in a regular room on the neuro unit by 10am. It was quieter there. The catheter was gone, so it became my responsibility to get up from bed and walk...hard to do and painful but it did get better each time. During the time in the regular room, I could not stand to look at food. I drank milk and water and ate some ice cream a couple of times. Anyone who knows me will understand how truly unusual it is for me to turn away food---even hospital food. My pain medicine may have been adding to that problem, and it was also giving me some funny side effects and not really managing my pain that well anyway, so after it was changed, things were better in all areas. I woke up, found an appetite, kept things down, walked in the hallway, cleaned up and out on some clothes I'd brought from home, and slowly felt more human. I was discharged on Thursday, March 12, late in the day, and we had our 4 hour ride home, with me fully loaded on meds and hugging my pillow tight to my head so I didn't feel the bumps.

Remember there is an incision at the end of this post!!

Now I'm dealing with some pain issues, some med side effect issues, an outbreak of cold sores, but nothing overwhelming. And I still take ALL of my previous medications for a while, and expect to be weaned in April.

The best part is, aside from a couple of incidents of some very light shocks, my TN pain is gone!

And that was the point of all of this anyway.

Okay---be warned! Here's a nice shot of the incision:

home

wow---I am home.

It has been a hard week.

So many people have been by my side either literally or by praying and calling and caring for me/us. It's overwhelming.

I have good pain management and my mom is here taking care of my every need. While we were got Jeff's mom was here taking care of the girls and the house and the animals, and I hope she gets some rest now!

I'll write some more details sometime, but for now just know it was a successful surgery and I have to work on recovering now...

Prayers

This is not the best photo, but I think you can see this really cool pair of socks to the left. They are prayer socks, knitted for me by my friend, KJ. She is a KNITTER, as are a few other people I know, and I really admire that. I tried to learn how to knit. It was not a success. I got very tense and my stitches did too. But I love to watch other people knit, and I actually find it very relaxing.

But the real point of this is to talk about prayer and how I know and can feel that many people have been praying and will continue to pray for me through this. My own prayers are usually of the informal type, just talking to God. Sometimes I just pour it all out and other times it is a bit more focused on things I am grateful for, people I am concerned about, and things I am trying to find strength to deal with. I do have a Rosary recording on my ipod and have found that to be very calming, too, and I love the community of praying together at Mass, but I was not raised to be a precise formal pray-er and that has been good for me.

It astounds me to reflect on the support system I have! In fact, my whole little nuclear family here on Patton Drive are so well cared for. Friends are sending their prayers and their concern for us out in so many ways, all intending the best for us in a successful surgery and recovery. Personally, I can just feel this. There's not much anxiety here lately. We've been having some fun with it (figuring out which things I can use the excuse "but I have a hole in my head" for and which situations where that isn't going to work ).

As surgery gets closer, I am (finally) seeing this now as part of the process of dealing with this diagnosis. Life has been going on the whole time, and with the exception of some serious napping I've been in it. Now it's time to take the next step which should lead to a life without pain and without medication. If there are complications along the way, I'll deal with them as I need to. I am really seeing how I can't worry about future things I cannot control. It would be impossible to write those words and truly mean them without the support and love that has been shown to me in the past many months.

Thank you all.

A New Chapter

This morning was different. The car went out of the driveway toward school like it has for 11 years, but Jeff and I were still in the house, standing at the window and watching this milestone happen.

Liz got her license yesterday. Laura was at least equally happy about that if not more so. There must be some prestige to having a big sister who drives. So off they went to school together. I can only imagine the mood in the car. Here, it's a bittersweet feeling, which I think most moms and dads can understand.

16th Birthdays

Today we travel to Beaver Dam to gather with the Janesvillians and also my UG family to celebrate the two new 16 year-olds in our family. Elizabeth was born first on 2/26 and then almost 2 weeks later came Tyler. They have both grown up to be respectable, good people with great senses of humor, and being together with both of them is always fun. My sister tells me she has a video she took of them playing (along with friend Erik who also turns 16 this spring), and she is going to play that for today's matinee.

I can't wait. To hear their little voices and see their small selves will really bring forth the full realization of how much time has passed.

The next chapter is driving tests. Liz has hers on Monday. She's ready. This is a bit of an inside joke so forgive me if it's not making sense---she was born ready.