Lima Beans and Other Random Thoughts

This picture was taken around the same time that this quote was recently heard in our kitchen: "I shouldn't have to be subjected to lima beans in my own home!" That's Elizabeth, picking out each and every one before she cooks her frozen vegetables. Truth is, none of us really like lima beans, but no one else has the inclination to go to such great lengths to avoid them. She always has been a determined girl.

I am almost done with the medication reduction, or detox, as I like to think of it. My clarity has returned. My pain has not. I cannot even say how happy that makes me.

Now I am "released" to return to work without restrictions as of May 1. In the formal way things must be done, I am planning to apply for an available position at hospice but am waiting for it to be officially posted. Because I'm still "with the company" as a casual employee, I have some advantage over a brand new applicant off the street. They know me, they know my skills and what I have to offer. I like to think they also like me and want me back, but in talking to HR kinds of people, things sound so much more official and non-relational. Patience is generally a strong suit of mine, and certainly this past year or so has taught me even more of it, but I am feeling ready to re-enter my work world and I hope this process moves along.

With my renewed mental faculties, I can read again for long periods of time. That has been a joy to me. I have been reading Three Cups of Tea, which I find really interesting. It's non-fiction, about a mountain climber who failed an attempt at K2 and instead found a community in Pakistan that needed a school for its children. I love the descriptions of the cultural differences and feel like I'm doing some vicarious travelling. Yesterday I read Water for Elephants, which is a book group choice, and I was so amazed that I liked it. Loved it, really. I knew it was about a circus, and I expected to hate it for that reason. I don't really like circuses. I did enjoy going to Circus World in Baraboo and seeing their show and all of the historical buildings and museum things, but when the circus comes to town, I avoid it. Why? Because I feel bad for the animals. So even though this book certainly contained some situations that made me feel the same way, the characters were so well defined and so interesting to me. I could not put it down. And lucky for me, tonight is book group and I will discuss it with my book women.

I just found out that the principal at the girls' school has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Prayers are being asked for, and I extend that request here too. The school did not release a lot of information but the kids have all been informed, and now it's just time to ask for healing and I am especially concerned that she have comfort with the fear she might be feeling.

Finding Normal Again

This is the time of year that Chance blends into the scenery, and I love that. It adds more interest to a walk with him because when he goes off into a ditch or a field, I have to look harder to find him even if he's only a few yards away. It's appropriate, too that a year ago at this time I was in pretty bad shape and I had to look hard to find hope in that situation of pain and fear of the unknown with trigeminal neuralgia. Now, I am moving forward in a really positive direction--coming off of medications, feeling the return of normal energy, having my mind work better, and looking forward to just living every day.

I am actually reluctant to talk about the progress of the med reduction because so far I have had no TN pain whatsoever. I still feel like there's some chance it could be there, underneath the medication I still have on board, and I don't want to get too confident! Still, there's no reason to expect pain---Dr.Kopell did everything to correct the problem. Every single day think about how amazing that is.

Taking the Time

When the kids were younger and more prone to complaining about going to church, I reminded them that God is only asking for one hour. Putting it into that kind of perspective made it seem more reasonable to them and certainly provided less fodder for fussing about it. Holy Week is also spring break this year, and yes, we are in church a lot. And they are NOT complaining! I think they are appreciating their faith and the opportunities to worship, which are special just because they are normal for us.

As I have started feeling better and looking forward to having a regular life again, I have noticed how much less time I am spending on my own to just be quiet, centered, prayerful. I have been feeling bad about it. When I needed so much every day to deal with the pain strikes and the difficult changes in life and the worry and anxiety and then the surgery issues, my connection to God was front and center. I reached out continually and recognized the many gifts I was being given, even in the heat of the moment (there's nothing like relief of pain even for a small period of time to incite a heartfelt and meaningful thank you). I know the connection is not gone. I am just feeling like I have to maintain a finer awareness now, to be purposeful about it since it looks like life is taking a turn back toward normalcy, and unfortunately that's got a flip side which consumes time unless I have a definite faith practice built in.

Does that make sense to anyone besides me?

Felt GoodToday

Today marks 4 weeks since surgery, and I feel good. In fact, I think it's the best I have felt since then. Still dealing with numbness but no TN pain at all. Last week my neurologist reduced my meds significantly and there are no bad effects from that at all. I like this.

Good News

I am feeling so happy today. I saw my neurologist this morning and the dilantin and the neurontin are going away immediately. I only have to take the carbatrol now and if there are no schocks during the next two weeks, it will be tapered down to (hopefully) nothing. He did say that sometimes the trigeminal nerve is still sensitive just from the surgery, causing shocking to still happen, which would mean that a person could have to stay on the carbatrol longer. But he was pretty optimistic and that's how I am feeling too.

He did some basic neuro checks in the office, and it is evident that I have lost some hearing on the left (I suspected as much since I can't hear the TV as well as I could before) and the sensation in various parts of the left side of my face and head are reduced. This is all related to having those nerves manipulated during the surgery and hopefully it will all get better as they heal over time. If not, I guess I'd say right now that it's a small price to pay for being rid of electric shock facial pain.

Today my simple goal is to remain awake all day. No naps (or sheer crashing into sleep...), so I need to get up and move around because I can feel the fatigue coming on now...