Sad kind of day

Took a walk with Chance this afternoon in an effort to feel better after an emotional day. It was an impulsive decision. My first choice and (actually my plan) was to lay on the couch and watch an episode of The West Wing until I fell asleep. But I came inside, saw Chance looking excited and happy to have company, realized how nice it was outside and remembered how this is probably the last day of nice weather we'll have. So a quick change of shoes and off we went without even looking for a leash (he does a good job of staying close by and coming to a stop with me when a vehicle very infrequently passes us). During the walk I was looking for some distraction from the pity party I was having, and these rich red maple leaves caught my eye...we had to go into the ditch to get them, and as long as we were that far, we climbed in between the barbed wire fence opening and trespassed in the woods of a down the road neighbor. I think it was entirely worth it.

Why the pity party? Mainly because today was the day of my work meeting (to discuss my need of another leave of absence), in which I was changed to a "casual" employee. That means my position is no longer mine--it's being posted and will be up for grabs. As casual, I'm still considered an employee but one with no benefits and no regular hours. Of course, I cannot seem to work regular hours anyway. My attempt to work again in August and September failed miserably as my pain increased exponentially, and here I am on even more medication and still having pain despite that. So it has just been a hard day realizing that even though I knew this was coming, I am sad about losing my position and worried about all the unknowns ahead. It is just one major reminder of how life changing this illness has been for me. I do know that we will be okay, but feeling sad, discouraged, and defeated like this is all I can muster right now.